Another Episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Fascist
Starring George Bush as Der Fuhrer
This week's episode: "The Repackaging of the President"
By Rex Frankel (Originally published in the Free Venice Beachhead, January 1992)
We return to the Kennebunkport Kountry Klub for another exclusive insider's eye on our nation's leaders at their favorite sport. This week's discussion: an election-year return to Kinder, Gentler Fascism.
Tonite's guest star is David Dupe, who manages to show up for golf at the same time as Der Fuhrer. Dupe is so right wing that Herr Bush's first sound bite of the day is "He gives Nazi's a bad name."
"It's OK to be intolerant of minorities," Bush confides later on the green, "just don't pose for any pictures while wearing your hood. Besides," he chuckles, "the three-piece suit has been the dress of real Nazi's for years!"
"I always keep my hood in the closet", Bush reminisces, "sometimes I take it out and hold it close, then wrap it in my yellow ribbon and put it away for another day of people and their problems I don't understand."
Der Fuhrer swings, cleaving the little white ball past two secret service agents on the first green.
"Oh, how I long for the good old days," he continues "when I said 'War', America jumped. I was on TV for more hours every day than Alex Trebek or even Geraldo!" He droned off as he putted to the first hole, an uphill roll that would have to hook to the left to go in. "Another Politically Correct shot" Bush mused, making his second sound bite of the day. Bush's handlers cheered, knowing the hungry news reporters and the stable of GOP editorial columnists would gobble that PC comment and write several days worth of vacuous articles on the subject, ignoring again domestic issues which are soo boring.
The vice president was off playing golf with Wingy-D of the rap group "Republicans With an Attitude". Dan really got off on their latest hit "Rich and so Angry I could Explode". Humming the tune, he said to Wingy "I'd tap my toes if they weren't in these heavy jackboots." Wingy-D seemed impressed.
Quayle made a slow putt, which was dumb since he was at the starting tee. He turned to Milo Finblatz, his press aide/translator, and whispered "I keep forgetting--am I supposed to get a high score or a low score?"
Milo whispered back out of microphone range "Space invaders High, Golf Low."
Gerald Ford swung in his usual wild but conservative way, lobbing the little white ball onto the luncheon salad bar, not injuring anyone but scaring the crap out of Barbara Bush, who began clucking "The sky is falling, the sky is FALLING!" Thinking better of this, she realized she'd been tripping on the President's antihistamine tablets. The bottle did warn "Do not handle heavy machinery or affairs of State while using this drug". She remembered how George forgot the warning one night and sold missiles to his old friend Saddam Hussein. But these things happen.
John Wilkes Bilgewater is the president's top propagandist. Before joining the White House staff, he wrote ads for Reprehensible Life, one of the nations top sharks, er insurance companies. "Look George, if you're gonna take people's civil rights away" Bilgewater blusters, "they're not gonna vote for you. It's this damn democracy. I don't like it either." Bilgewater's proven election-strategy unfolded: "But, if Dupe and that other loudmouth, Loose-Cannon runs, you can say they hate civil rights even more than you do, and you can blame the Democrats in congress for all the welfare criminals that caused us to take away the civil rights in the first place. We can't lose, George. Just drop the "Stormtroopers of the World" slogan for a kinder, gentler "Nazi's that Care". I swear, it'll sell!"
"But I like `Stormtroopers'!" Der Fuhrer protested.
Bilgewater pulled out a pocket computer and proclaimed "Our polling says Stormtroopers has a negative image, what with all those dead Kurds in Iraq. But kids today don't remember Nazi's and the only Nazi's on TV are harmless boobs like on Hogan's Heroes. And c'mon! You're a sensitive president. You cried while you sent our boys off to Iraq. You appeal not just to the run-of-the-mill fascist, but also the friendly neighborhood highrise builder, the average out-of work bomb designer, the laid off arms merchant. You're not just a Nazi, George, you're a "Nazi that Cares".
"And after the election you can conveniently forget any promises you accidentally make, and get back to business as usual."
Der Fuhrer scratched his butt and said, "John, you've got something there!"
Bush shouted to the Vice President, "Dan c'mere, I wanna know what you think of this."
"It's not my job to think," Quayle replied, "but I'll give it a try."
"Look Dan, Bilgewater's got something here. Put away your jackboots and armbands for a while, hide the hood in the cellar, and get out your bible. We're goin' on the campaign trail."
"Sieg Heil!" cheered Quayle, stepping out of character. "I mean, duh---yippee!"
Khristmas at Kennebunkport (Originally published in the Free Venice Beachhead, August 1991)
By Rex Frankel
"We're not just Nazi's--We're Nazi's that care!" went the victory cry at President Bush's 1992 Khristmas victory "bash". Operation Campaign Storm had been a huge success, even more so after Saddam Hussein endorsed the Democrat's candidate, Seymour Gribnitz. The other Democratic contenders all pulled out in the primaries, after the generally apolitical Gribnitz was endorsed by all 4 television networks. Many people called him a Stealth Democrat because his views were such a mystery before and during the campaign. His campaign slogan, "Vote for Me--I'll Figure Things Out" was nevertheless disquieting to veteran Demo's and elating to Republican power brokers, who rolled over Gribnitz with attacks on his ownership of a Japanese car, an unpaid parking ticket and overdue library books.
Alas, Dan Quayle was off at a book signing party for his third Nazi how-to guide, "101 Ways to Goosestep", and so he couldn't be at Der Fuhrer's side.
Following re-coronation, Herr Bush decreed as his first act the end of civil rights, saying they cost too much, and the only people who need civil rights are criminals anyways. Barbara Bush spent the winter enjoying her hubby's Christmas present to her: the deforestation of all of Northern California.
Meanwhile, Congress was earning far too much money to care how Bush fleeced the Fatherland during his 1st term, and looked the other way when Bush appointed his son, Neil, to run the FDIC. Neil promised to run the nation's banking system in a "prudent" manner, much the same way Neil had run his previous federally-insured business ventures. This fit Herr Bush's campaign slogan of "keep it in the family" to a T, and Bush went on to appoint nearly every adult member of the Bush family to high federal posts. Herr Bush also sought to keep family ties strong in the nation's poor families by introducing revised jail policies. From now on, the entire family goes to jail when one member commits or is entrapped into a crime.
But back to the party. Entertainment that night was the group with the "hit" video of 1991, Daryl and the Billy Clubs, doing "How to be Arrested". The rap group Republicans With an Attitude came next, rousing the crowd to ritual acts of politically correct violence. Finishing up the evening's fun were Sandra Day & the Extremes.
Following the entertainment, the crowd watched a ritual execution and burning of the Bill of Rights. All were ordered to have a good time, and did.
This is Robbing Leach signing off until next time.